1. Every mountain biker is God’s gift to the trail, at least in his own mind.
2. If you can’t make it up the hill, it’s not because your bike sucks it’s because you’re fat & lazy.
3. Retrogrouches are pessimistic, stingy, and nostalgic.
4. Technoweenies are status grabbing, snobbish, yuppie wannabe squids.
5. Land developers are filthy, greedy, blood-sucking, no-good rotten son-of-a-bitchen-bastards.
6. Number of people who will show up for a ride = number of people who said they’d come -6.
7. Tube Math: tubes needed for any given ride = the number of tubes you have + one.
8. Helmets don’t protect collarbones or rear derailleurs.
9. Mail order catalogues undercut wholesale prices and drive local bike shops out of buisiness.
10. Local Bike shops charge a lot more than mail order for rear derailleurs.
11. How Shtickmano changes a light bulb: First, they redesign the light, then they design a new tool to install the redesigned bulb in the redesigned light, then they repeat the process over & over.
12. It doesn’t have to work better so long as it looks different and is incompatible with everything else.
13. Magazine product tests are all done in California.
14. Just because it costs more doesn’t mean it works better.
15. You get what you pay for.
16. The more you hear the term "freeride" the more it will cost you to ride.
17. That brand new top of the line bike you just bought is already obsolete.
18. You had just as much fun on your old beater bike as your new rig, maybe more.
19. Reason your bike broke; you were just riding along and …..
20. When not doing something stupid, bike mechanics are nearly gods.
21. Hydration packs take all the weight off your bike and put it on your back.
22. The amount of ride left to get home is inversely proportional to how hungry you are.
23. Cheese is a meal in and of itself.
24. After ride pizza math: 3 mountain bikers x 2 slices/rider = 2 trays.
25. After ride beer math: 5 mountain bikers x 3 beers per rider = 2 cases.
26. If you got hungry enough, you’d eat a puppy.
27. Easy rides can be hard.
28. Hard rides can be fun.
29. If the main trail looks like a dead end it probably is.
30. Whenever someone says the trail has got to come out somewhere, it doesn’t.
31. When the ride leader points vaguely at some distant peak as your destination, check your water.
32. When someone says the trail you’re on is a deer-path, remind them that deer don’t have wheels.
33. Trip math: Number of miles actually ridden +4 ½.
34. Murphy’s bike had Suntour components.
Just shut-up and ride.